Wow, it's amazing how much difference 3 years can make. I find it fascinating reading my thoughts from back then when I really had no idea what was about to befall me. I slipped into the deepest depression I have yet to experience. After the break up of a very violent and toxic relationship I was left in bits and pieces. Most days I couldn't even manage to get myself out of bed. But I did. With a little love from my family and a whole lot of paitence. It's not easy to think about those times without wondering if they could ever happen again. That's the thing with depression, you can't really beat it per say. You have to learn to live with it. It's always lurking though. Just one bad nights sleep or empty wine bottle away. From this time of deep darkness though I found spirituality. Prehaps this blog now would be better suited to musing over some of the teachings I have come across and my take on it all. In the confusion and chaos of the world though it seems light is never too far away. It's only when we have the eyes to see it that love really does conquer all. Stay tuned.

Life out on the edge

(hehehe my feet in the background ^)Indiana starts school in December. I welcome the next milestone in his life as I feel he has grown into a boisterous bandit with the typical 4 year old arrogance that only school rules can displace. I think hes ready. He likes the sound of school, especially the fact his baby brother won't be there. As we get closer to his 5th birthday and the start of his school days, I feel myself getting anxious about my own role in all of this. Will I have to surrender life on the edge?  Never. I got this. In all my awkwardness and anti social tendencies, bouts of friendliness have been known to surface from time to time. As long as I don't ruffle too many feathers, I shouldn't be too much of a set back as Indiana maps his own little friendship circles.  By ruffling feathers I mean making scenes, which is kind of what I do. But for the sake of good role modeling, amicable behavior should be upheld :)

DON'T

1. Punch people 
2. Patronize the teachers
3. Antagonize the other parents

DO

1. Let Indy be who he wants to be
2. Pack too much lunch so I can raid whats left
3. Stay cool

Knock em dead kid

Winter braeburn apples are the perfect fruit to use while thinking up delicious treats to feed your family. I used a relatively easy but scrumptious recipe today I found  here
They got a five star rating from the family and will be a recipe to repeat yummy!

Beating the black dog

For almost 5 years I have been a mother. I have stayed up all night with worry over a sick baby, had all sorts of bodily fluids on me which are not my own and had the constant companion of a worrying conscience "am I doing this right"
Motherhood has not been the easiest experience for me. The house is never clean enough, there's never enough time/money/resources to give everybody what they want and at the end of every day while my children sleep the tears come as I hope for a better tomorrow. I have no money, no job and no friends. motherhood has left me estranged from those who I used to associate with as their true intentions have become obvious to me now I have 2 little people to take care of.
Friends that used to be friends are no longer as connections are broken with time and days spent cooking and cleaning instead of road trips and late nights. If I stay up until midnight without falling asleep on the couch its a major achievement.
Today as I looked at the state of it all and how far I've come within myself to recognise how I might be able to go about giving these little people the life they deserve.
That's why I've decided to keep this blog, as a document of my progress.
I have suffered from depression since the age of 15years. It has been a constant black cloud over my life, one that quite often will let the sun through, and just when blue skies begin to appear the blackness comes back. Depression for me was always quite an elusive concept to grasp. Mental illness in itself is quite elusive, and because their are no physical symptoms that people can see, it can be very hard for people to accept.

Right now, in my 27th year I have finally accepted my depression for what it is.
I am not weak, I am not insane. I have a disease. I am beginning to recognise the symptoms as they appear. Negative thoughts that plague my mind. Highly irrational ideas and theories I dream up when I'm at my worst. I'm determined to beat this thing. I'll fight it head on. If not for my own self, for the lives of my 2 boys. They deserve to have their Mum be well.
I began this blog as a record for me to look back on as I at last get my life together. The experiences I have had have not always been the easiest although there are others who have been through far worse. My story is my own to make sense of. I hope in writing this blog I can make better sense of some of the chapters. a journey through the pages of myself.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha